Do you feel your cheeks burn with shame and your stomach clench with humiliation when someone criticizes you? Does the fear of other people’s judgment keep you from sharing your ideas at work or in your community? Do you long to put yourself out there but worry that people will think you’re getting too big for your boots?
"I could wallpaper my whole house with the criticism and abuse I've received," explained Kasey Edwards, columnist and bestselling author of ten books, including her latest Goodbye Good Girl, Hello Me!, when we interviewed her for the podcast. "Some days it would affect me so much that I would think, what is wrong with me? What is it about me as a person that makes people say such horrible things?"
When criticism hits, it's easy for our 'good girl' beliefs to take over. We find ourselves scrambling to be 'better' - working harder, being nicer, appearing more perfect - desperately trying to control how others see us.
Whether we're organizing school fundraisers, leading teams, or sharing our ideas into the world, these beliefs can keep us second-guessing ourselves and playing small. But as Kasey pointed out, we have a choice in how we respond to other people’s judgments of us.
"I went from not being able to get out of bed to now most criticism does not affect me at all. This is a skill we can all learn," Kasey explained. "Once you understand what triggers your good girl beliefs, you get to choose how you want to respond."
Kasey recommended these three tools to help us navigate criticism better:
Creating A Critic Card
Create a small card listing the names of people who have earned the right to give you critical feedback. Someone earns this right by meeting three important criteria:
Are they also showing up and putting themselves out there? If they're just hiding behind their keyboard firing off word bullets, they haven't earned the right to be heard.
What's their motivation? There are four reasons people criticize: to hurt you, make fun of you, silence you, or genuinely help you grow. Only listen to those trying to help.
Do they know what they're talking about? If you wouldn't go to them for advice, don't go to them for criticism either.
Banning The Fat Chat
Women often bond through self-deprecation, particularly around our bodies. We engage in a race to the bottom, competing over who can hate themselves the most. One friend says she needs to lose weight, another jumps in saying she looks worse, and soon everyone's competing in the self-hatred Olympics, debating who has the most problematic thighs. But research shows everyone leaves these conversations feeling worse, not better. Make a pact with your friends to ban "fat chat" and any other forms of self-criticism. Years of experience prove you can build deep, meaningful friendships without bonding over body hatred.
Breaking The Comparison Cycle
From our earliest days, we're trained to see other women as competition. Through fairy tales, well-meaning compliments about being 'the most beautiful,' and societal messaging, we learn that our worth depends on being better than others. This creates a toxic cycle where criticizing other women feels like self-protection, when it actually undermines us all. Make it an act of rebellion to cheer for other women instead of criticizing them.
"This work is not a one and done,” Kasey cautioned us. “It's in the little decisions we make every day and in the courage that we summon every day to live the life that we want, no matter what other people say."
For more of Kasey's wonderful work, visit her website, and be sure to grab a copy of her new book Goodbye Good Girl, Hello Me!
P.S. If you enjoyed this episode, we'd be so grateful if you left a quick review on Spotify or Apple Podcasts—it helps more women around the world discover The Good Girl Game Changers! 💛
Please note: We are mindful that 'girl' and 'woman' are socially constructed ideas of gender that can fall painfully short of defining the fabulous complexity of who we each are. If these words resonate with part of how you have previously or currently identified yourself, we'd love to hear about your lived experiences.
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