When you micromanage your team, do you explain it away as your "controlling part" without making amends? When you snap at a friend, do you blame it on your "defensive part" and move on? Or do you find ways to both honor these parts of you while taking responsibility for how they affect others?
"When we recognize our protection mechanisms and take accountability for them, that is recovery, that is self-help," explained Gabby Bernstein, author of Self Help, when we interviewed her recently. "The repair is enough to track with others and let them know that you see your part in the situation, and that you're taking care of it."
Understanding our protective patterns helps us heal, but naming them isn't enough when they hurt others and damage our relationships. The real skill is learning how to own our actions while still being kind to ourselves as we learn and grow.
Internal Family Systems (IFS) therapy suggests that as we grow up , our psyche develops different "parts" to help us cope with life's challenges. These protective parts—whether they show up as perfectionism, people-pleasing, or controlling behaviors—all developed with good intentions to shield us from painful experiences. But they often use strategies that made sense when we were younger, but no longer serve us well in our adult relationships.
To heal, these protective parts need guidance from what IFS calls our "Self" energy – our innate capacity for curiosity, compassion, clarity, courage, confidence, creativity, connectedness, and calm. When we can lead from this Self energy rather than from our protective parts, we can acknowledge our internal experiences while still taking responsibility for how we impact others.
Here are three powerful approaches to help you navigate this delicate balance:
Notice, Know, Need: Create a brief daily check-in with your protective parts. Notice where you feel them in your body. Ask what they want you to know about their concerns and what they need to feel safe. When we listen to our parts with genuine curiosity instead of judgment, they often soften naturally. This compassionate approach creates more lasting change than years of self-criticism ever could.
By regularly practicing this check-in during quiet moments, you'll develop a stronger relationship with your protective parts. This doesn't mean you'll be doing a full self-analysis in the middle of a heated meeting, but rather building the awareness to recognize when these parts are activated, creating more choice in how you respond.
Speak, Reflect, Repair: First, speak for your parts rather than from them: "I notice a part of me feels defensive" instead of letting that defensive part take over. Later, reflect honestly: Was your reaction fair to others? Was your part using outdated tactics? Finally, repair any harm done through a sincere apology or clarification. This approach honors your internal experience while still taking responsibility for your impact on relationships.
As Gabby shared, speaking for your parts "acknowledges that our parts are real and valid, while also recognizing that we're responsible for how we express them in our relationships." The key is not using your parts as excuses but as explanations that help you understand and improve your responses.
The Self Signal Check-In: Quickly assess whether you're truly in Self energy or if a protective part is in charge. Ask: Am I curious and compassionate, or judging? Do I have an agenda, or am I present without controlling? Are others responding openly or guardedly? Am I leading from heart or head? These simple questions help you choose consciously how you want to show up rather than letting protective parts drive your relationships.
This practice helps you recognize when you might be using spiritual practices to avoid painful feelings rather than truly embodying Self energy. As Gabby notes, true Self energy embraces our humanity rather than trying to transcend it.
What makes these practices so powerful is that they allow us to honor both our internal experience and the impact we have on others. They acknowledge that our parts are real and valid, while also recognizing that we're responsible for how we express them in our relationships.
We took away so many aha insights and practical tools from our conversation with Gabby about balancing self-awareness with accountability. For more of Gabby's insights, be sure to grab her book Self-Help which breaks down the science of Internal Family Systems into simple practices anyone can use in their daily lives.
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Please note: We are mindful that 'girl' and 'woman' are socially constructed ideas of gender that can fall painfully short of defining the fabulous complexity of who we each are. If these words resonate with part of how you have previously or currently identified yourself, we'd love to hear about your lived experiences.
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