When was the last time you felt stretched so thin you could snap? Maybe someone dismissed your hard work with a casual criticism? Or perhaps one tiny detail fell through and suddenly you heard yourself unleashing a torrent of blame that didn't even sound like you?
"I’m often scheduled back to back, and when something goes wrong with the technology, I have a part that wants to punch the screen," shared Gabby Bernstein, motivational speaker and author of Self Help, when we interviewed her for this podcast. "But then I also have to still show up for the conversation. So we don't want to be punching screens. We want to be able to notice that we're pissed off about something, check in with it, relax the part of ourselves and then get back to center."
What Gabby is describing comes from Internal Family Systems (IFS), a therapeutic approach that views our psyche as a family of different parts. We all have protective parts - like the perfectionist who keeps us safe by never making mistakes, or the people-pleaser who avoids conflict at all costs. We also have wounded parts that carry our pain from previously difficult experiences. And at our core, we have what IFS calls Self-energy - that wise, compassionate presence within each of us that can lead when our protective parts trust us enough to step back.
Gabby explained that the difference between speaking from our parts versus for our parts can be everything when it comes to the ways we huddle together. When we speak from our parts, we might lash out in anger or shrink away in fear. But when we speak for our parts from Self-energy, we can say "I notice I'm feeling defensive right now" while staying centered and present.
Like any skill, this shifting from reactive to responsive requires practice. Just as we wouldn't expect to become physically fit by exercising only during emergencies, we can't expect to master our inner world without regular attention and effort.
This is where Gabby's four-step check-in process can help. Practiced daily, this process helps us understand our parts, build trust with them, and learn to access our Self-energy more readily by:
1. Choosing to check-in – Notice when you're triggered or activated and turn inward instead of overriding your big feelings. See these emotions as guidance that a younger part inside needs help. Maybe it's the part that feels criticized easily, or the one that needs to control everything to feel safe.
2. Getting curious – Place one hand on your heart and one on your belly, slow down your breath and bring attention inward. Notice any feelings, thoughts, or sensations. Where do these feelings live in your body? What do you know about this part? Does it have an age, image, or story attached to it? This curiosity is a form of respect for the part coming forward.
3. Offering compassion – Keep your hand on your heart and continue breathing into the feelings, thoughts, and sensations, offering them space and acceptance. Then ask: "What do you need?" Let the part respond. It might need reassurance, validation, or simply to be heard.
4. Checking for Self qualities – Feel into your inner landscape. Notice if any of the 8C qualities of Self are present: calm, clarity, curiosity, compassion, confidence, courage, creativity, and connectedness. These qualities help you feel safe enough to engage in the conversation from a grounded place.
But what if you still get hijacked mid-conversation?
"It's really about the repair," Gabby explained. "If you can get enough space to be able to speak for your part and say, 'I'm doing my best. Sorry about this. I don't want you to let me off the hook. I just want you to know that I'm speaking for this and I'm working on it every day.' That is incredible."
This accountability transforms our relationships. Rather than blaming or defending, we can acknowledge our parts while taking responsibility for their impact. It's the difference between "You made me angry" and "I’m sorry, my protective part was triggered, and I want to repair what just happened."
"This kind of practice is a daily practice," Gabby emphasized. "It's lots of connection inward for what will look like overnight success. One day, you'll wake up and be like, 'Wow, I feel so unburdened. And I can really speak for these parts with ease.'"
For more of Gabby's wonderful work, visit gabbybernstein.com and grab a copy of her book Self Help, which breaks down the Internal Family Systems approach into practical tools anyone can use.
Please note: We are mindful that 'girl' and 'woman' are socially constructed ideas of gender that can fall painfully short of defining the fabulous complexity of who we each are. If these words resonate with part of how you have previously or currently identified yourself, we'd love to hear about your lived experiences.
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