What do you do when a conversation gets uncomfortable? When someone’s perspective challenges yours, do you lean in, get defensive or shut down? It’s easy to retreat into habits of self-protection, but these moments don’t have to push us apart — they can be opportunities for deeper understanding, growth, and connection when we create a space of compassion for ourselves and each other.
"Internal Family Systems offers us a model for human transformation," explained
, certified transformational coach and co-founder of FINO when we interviewed her for this podcast. "In IFS we look at ourselves as a system, like a solar system.”At the center is the sun – our Self – radiating the warmth, light, and energy like our inner guidance system, offering qualities like curiosity, compassion, courage, creativity, calmness, confidence, clarity, and connectedness when we need them most. Around this Self are various parts – like planets orbiting the sun – each with their own unique roles and perspectives. Sometimes these parts move into positions where they block our access to that central sun of Self-energy. It's not that the sun has disappeared – it's always there – but these parts can temporarily eclipse our connection to it.
“When we're feeling anxious, judgmental, or reactive, it's often because a protective part has moved into a position where it's blocking that warm light of Self-energy,” said Anna. “These parts aren't problems to be eliminated – they're aspects of ourselves trying to help us navigate life. They just might be using outdated strategies that no longer serve us well.”
And this understanding is so crucial when we huddle together because it helps us bring more compassion to both our own reactions and those of others. The key isn’t to eliminate discomfort but to meet it with awareness, allowing it to deepen rather than divide our connections.
Anna shared two practical tools—and one key insight—to shift how we approach disagreements:
Naming our parts: Creating a shared language around our internal responses can help us navigate disagreement with more awareness. Instead of being swept away by reactions, we might gently notice when a part of us feels triggered. If it feels okay to share, we might say something like, “I notice a part of me wants to defend myself right now,” or “A part of me wants to shut down and walk away.” Naming what’s happening internally can offer a bit of space—a pause—to choose how we respond, rather than reacting from a protective place. It can also give the other person a window into our inner world, softening the conversation. But it’s always okay to hold that awareness quietly, too, until it feels safe enough to bring it forward.
Investing in regenerative habits: Investing in regenerative habits: When tensions arise—whether you're alone with difficult emotions, navigating conflict in a relationship, or part of a group disagreement—it's tempting to withdraw or assume nothing will change. But staying connected requires intentional practices that bring you back to your Self energy. This might be your own brief breathing practice, a body scan to ground yourself, a journaling session to give voice to your parts, or a moment of movement to reconnect to your body. Or, it might be your collective check-in rituals or reset routines when communication feels challenging or is breaking down.
At its core, Anna’s approach is about reclaiming choice. By deepening our connection to Self energy, we reclaim the ability to choose our responses, rather than being driven by unconscious defenses. Instead of reacting on impulse, we can pause, ground ourselves, create new rituals and respond in a way that fosters connection—even in moments of discomfort. This shift doesn’t just change how we navigate conflict; it changes how we show up in every interaction.
"It's a way of life. Instead of pushing away these parts, instead of ignoring the messages, with IFS we tune in. We listen in, we validate. We bring ourselves and each other connection, love, and compassion," explained Anna.
For more of Anna’s wonderful work, visit her here on Substack, or over on her website.
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Please note: We are mindful that 'girl' and 'woman' are socially constructed ideas of gender that can fall painfully short of defining the fabulous complexity of who we each are. If these words resonate with part of how you have previously or currently identified yourself, we'd love to hear about your lived experiences.
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