Growing up, were you encouraged to be a ‘good girl’? Do you find yourself, even as an adult, still struggling to meet this impossible set of expectations? Where do these beliefs come from, and why are they so hard to free ourselves of?
“Even though we often don’t want to subscribe or comply with society’s ‘good girl’ expectations, they are within us,” explained Elise Loehnen, author of On Our Best Behavior: The Seven Deadly Sins and the Price Women Pay to Be Good in this podcast. “We have to be able to recognize when these beliefs are driving our behavior and pull them out.”
For example, Elise noted there is a punch card of goodness for women that turns our normal human desires into societal ‘sins’ to be avoided. Designed to control our behavior, they include:
Sloth: avoided by working hard and performing perfectly.
Envy: avoided by being content with what we have and never complaining.
Pride: avoided by staying humble and not intimidating others with our confidence.
Anger: avoided by silencing our uncomfortable emotions and keeping the peace.
Greed: avoided by never being selfish and always ready to give.
Gluttony: avoided by keeping ourselves as small as possible.
Lust: avoided by being warm and welcoming but never overtly sexual.
Why do so many of us subscribe to these expectations, even when we don’t agree with them?
Elise explained that while we like to think that we are entirely self-made and we get to choose who we are and what we believe, we tend to have less self-authorship than we might hope. Our shared need to belong and feel loved leaves us highly susceptible to cultural conditioning.
Even though we often don’t want to subscribe or comply with society’s ‘good girl’ beliefs, they are in us, and we have to be able to recognize when they are driving our behavior and pull them out.
“We need to weed through this cultural programming to discover what we actually want,” recommended Elise. “Rather than judging ourselves or others for these desires, if we can pay attention to what our bodies and souls are trying to tell us and figure out why this matters to us in these moments, these feelings can provide a really healthy and constructive way to get much closer to ourselves.”
For more tips and tools on weeding out your ‘good girl’ beliefs, listen to the podcast.
For more on
wonderful work be sure to follow her substack, listen to her podcast, and grab a copy of “On Our Best Behavior: The Seven Deadly Sins and the Price Women Pay to Be Good”.Please note: We are mindful that ‘girl’ and ‘woman’ are socially constructed ideas of gender that can fall painfully short of defining the fabulous complexity of who we each are. If these words resonate with part of how you have previously or currently identified yourself, we’d love to hear about your lived experiences.
Why do we feel the need to be 'good girls'?