When it comes to setting better boundaries, it helps to start by figuring out exactly what kind of boundary you most need. Is it an external boundary (between you and someone else), an internal boundary (the work you do to support yourself), or both? And how do you figure this out?
“When we set boundaries we reassure our brain that we can and will advocate for ourselves helping us to feel safe enough,” explained Juliane Taylor Shore, a therapist, teacher, and author of Setting Boundaries That Stick: How Neurobiology Can Help You Rewire Your Brain to Feel Safe, Connected, and Empowered when we interviewed her recently. “This enables our brains to be less reactive, and more integrated, resourced, and responsive to what’s happening within us and around us.”
Jules suggested that four different types of boundaries can help our brains to feel safe enough:
External boundaries (caring for yourself when something that is not okay happens): External boundaries help you to communicate what is and is not okay for you, and how you will respond if the not okay thing happens. For example: It’s okay to be disappointed about my choices. It is not okay to speak to me in ways that disrespectful or designed to hurt me. If this not-okay behaviour continues I’m going to walk away and take a 15-minute break so we can both calm down and then try again.
Psychological boundaries (protecting your mind from others): Psychological boundaries remind you that it is normal and healthy for each of us to think and feel differently about things. It works best as a visual mental image that creates the space you need to safely listen with discernment and acceptance of other people’s experiences without trying to change or control them. For example: A family member accuses you of being selfish. You imagine your boundary image between you (i.e. a wall of jello, a butterfly net, or whatever works for you) safely catches this accusation giving you a moment to consider: Is this accusation true or not true? Is the accusation really about me or not about me? This helps your brain to stay integrated and less defensive as you navigate what is unfolding.
Containing boundaries (helping you to pause, feel, and respond): Containing boundaries allow you to slow down your emotional reactions and choose who and how you want to be with others. By identifying a personal integrity word (who you want to be), a relational integrity word (how you want to connect), and a self-compassion gesture (to remind you to pause), you become more aware of how you want to behave in your relationships. For example: A colleague speaks over the top of you for the third time in a meeting. You discreetly reach for your self-compassion gesture, silently remind yourself or your personal integrity and relational words, and then decide how you want to respond to ensure you ideas are heard without regretting the way you spoke up later.
Physical boundaries (defining what feels good for you in terms of phsyical contact and closeness): Physical boundaries help you decide how close or far you want to be from others and what kind of touch you want or don’t want. By knowing what your body needs to feel safe in various situations, it is easier to be clear with others about what does and doesn’t feel good for you. For example: An acquaintance gives you a big bear hug you each time you meet and it makes you uncomfortable. Knowing that you don’t like being hugged by people you don’t well can help you let this person know that you’re happy to shake hands when you meet but you’d prefer to give the hugging a miss.
We took away so many aha insights and practical tools from our recent podcast with Jules that we’ve recorded an after-party podcast for you to dive deeper into how you can set better boundaries. Just hit play above to join us.
Please note: We are mindful that ‘girl’ and ‘woman’ are socially constructed ideas of gender that can fall painfully short of defining the fabulous complexity of who we each are. If these words resonate with part of how you have previously or currently identified yourself, we’d love to hear about your lived experiences.
What boundaries do you need to set?