When it comes to setting boundaries, do you send others mixed signals instead of clear messages? Are your efforts to communicate what you need packed with awkward moments or kind connections? Do you come away second-guessing yourself or full of self-respect?
“Setting boundaries is a hard thing for your brain to do,” explained Juliane Taylor Shore, a therapist, teacher, and author of Setting Boundaries That Stick: How Neurobiology Can Help You Rewire Your Brain to Feel Safe, Connected, and Empowered when we interviewed her for this podcast. “Your brain is designed to avoid immediate pain - like someone being upset with you for setting a boundary they don’t like - which means you need really good reasons to risk asking for what you need.”
To help your brain confidently set boundaries that stick, Juliane recommends taking the following six steps:
Find Your Big Why: Identify the deepest reasons why you need a boundary and what it will change for the better to make it worth the risk. What are the costs of not asking for what you need? What are the benefits to be gained from speaking up? Can you roll the tape forward and see how these options play out?
Define Your Boundary: Boundaries focus on what you will do to help your brain feel safe so you can remain open, curious, and caring with others. What is okay for you in this situation? What is not okay for you in this situation? How will you respond if the not-ok things happen?
Anticipate Other’s Responses: Accept that other people may have all sorts of feelings about your boundary and that it is not your job to change or control their responses. Is there a visual mental image that can help you create a safe space to listen with acceptance about how others feel about your boundary (i.e., a jello wall or a butterfly net)? Can you use this image to help you discern what is true or not true, about your or not about you, about their response?
Anticipate Your Reactions: Consider how you’d like to intentionally align your words and actions if someone finds your boundary hard to hear or accept. Is there a personal integrity word that can remind you who you want to be (i.e., courage)? Is there a relational integrity word that can remind you of how you want to connect with others (i.e. kindness).
Create a Self-Soothing Plan: If setting, communicating, or honoring your boundaries feels overwhelming, help yourself pause and reach for self-compassion. Is there a reassuring movement you can do (i.e., hand on heart) to help you remember that you’re a good person facing a hard situation like all people have to?
Say It and Follow Through: Don’t apologize or overexplain your boundaries to others. When required, just ask for what you need and take responsibility for following through. What’s a short, kind, and clear way to share with others what is okay, what isn’t okay, and what you will do if the not-ok thing happens in the future?
“What’s important to note is that nearly all of this boundary-setting happens behind the scenes,” explained Juliane. “This frees your brain to be fully present and more neurologically integrated when communicating and following through on the boundaries you need.
For more of Juliane’s wonderful work, listen to her podcast Why Does My Partner and grab a copy of Setting Boundaries That Stick: How Neurobiology Can Help You Rewire Your Brain to Feel Safe, Connected, and Empowered.
Please note: We are mindful that ‘girl’ and ‘woman’ are socially constructed ideas of gender that can fall painfully short of defining the fabulous complexity of who we each are. If these words resonate with part of how you have previously or currently identified yourself, we’d love to hear about your lived experiences.
Six steps to setting boundaries that stick