What if those ‘good girl’ parts of you that seem stuck in old patterns - like perfectionism, people-pleasing, and protecting others - are actually trying to keep you safe? And what might change if you could help them trust that you're now capable of responding to life’s challenges in healthier ways?
"From an early age, most of our psychology is set up as a set of self-protective movements," explained psychologist Dr. Tori Olds, co-founder of Deep Eddy Psychotherapy, when we interviewed her for this podcast. "When we learn something is dangerous or problematic, a corner of our psyche takes that on as its job, creating what we call in Internal Family Systems (IFS) a 'part.' Just like muscle memory, these protective responses become automatic - our brain launches that set of emotions or behaviors almost like a reflex, without checking with our conscious mind first."
These protective patterns can show up in two different ways:
Managers work proactively to prevent problems - like the good girl part that always says "yes" to avoid conflict, the perfectionist part that over-prepares for everything to ensure no mistakes, or the caretaking part that puts everyone else's needs first to stay safe through people-pleasing.
Firefighters work reactively to rescue us with more extreme strategies when our managers can’t maintain control - like the part that goes on a shopping spree to ensure we look perfect on the outside, numbs out with wine after failing to keep everyone happy, or throws ourselves into frantic busyness to avoid feeling our own needs.
“Most of our protective parts are managers,” said Tori. “But sometimes our management strategies aren't enough and that’s when our firefighters rush in with more desperate attempts to save us from emotional pain."
As Tori explained, these parts aren’t bad - they're natural adaptations that developed at times in our lives when we needed them most, when being 'good' meant being safe, loved, or simply surviving our circumstances. Their patterns of perfectionism, people-pleasing, and protecting others were once vital survival strategies, but they can get us into trouble when they stay stuck in these old ways of protecting us that no longer serve us well because they don't realize we've grown into adults with healthier skills and resources to draw upon.
The good news is that we can help our protectors recognize and trust our Self - that wise, grounded presence within us that emerges when our brain is integrated and free. Unlike our protective parts that operate from fear, our Self-energy of curiosity, compassion, clarity, calm, courage, creativity, confidence, and connectedness allows us to take in new information, think creatively, and respond flexibly to whatever life presents. Tori suggests we:
Practice Unblending: When you notice a protector part taking over - like your need for perfection, people-pleasing, or protecting others - pause to get curious about this part. Approach it with curiosity and compassion to understand what triggered this part and what does it need to feel safe right now. This gentle attention helps create space between the protective pattern and your Self-energy.
Build Trust: Show up consistently for these parts, just as you would to earn the trust of an anxious child. Let them know you want to listen to anything they need to tell you and show appreciation for their desire to protect you, while gently reassuring them that you’re an adult now with better skills and resources to navigate hard situations.
Take Small Steps: Once your protector begins to trust your Self-energy, invite it to experiment with letting you respond to a small challenge in a new way. Create agreements with your protectors that help them feel safe while gradually allowing more of your Self-energy to lead the way.
As your protectors begin to know and trust your Self-energy, they can relax their hypervigilance and allow your curiosity, compassion, clarity, calm, courage, creativity, confidence, and connectedness to guide you through life's challenges.
Want to learn more about supporting your ‘good girl’ protectors? For more information on Tori’s wonderful work, click here to visit her YouTube channel.
If you need more support from an Internal Family Systems-trained coach or therapist, you can find them by clicking here.
Please note: We are mindful that ‘girl’ and ‘woman’ are socially constructed ideas of gender that can fall painfully short of defining the fabulous complexity of who we each are. If these words resonate with part of how you have previously or currently identified yourself, we’d love to hear about your lived experiences.
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