When it comes to feeling respected and valued in your relationships, do you know when to make requests and when to set boundaries? Or do you spin your wheels making complaints or issuing demands instead?
“We often confuse setting boundaries with making requests, demands, or complaints,” explained Juliane Taylor Shore, a therapist, teacher, and author of Setting Boundaries That Stick: How Neurobiology Can Help You Rewire Your Brain to Feel Safe, Connected, and Empowered when we interviewed her for this podcast. “Each of the latter focuses on what someone else does, whereas setting a boundary is about what you do.”
For example, Juliane explained that:
Complaints: A complaint allows you to make it clear that you don’t like something that is happening in your relationship, without risking the vulnerability of requesting what you want to have happen instead. i.e. “It’s not fair that you …”
Demands: A demand insists on “yes” for an answer. It is grounded in the assumption that you can control another person’s behavior. And, while you can try to manipulate, threaten, or coerce people into complying with your demands, this is not how healthy respectful relationships are built. i.e. “I will leave if you don’t …”
Requests: Before you set a boundary, it can be a good idea to start with a clear request. A request of others is not selfish or mean. It is a respectful way to ask for what you need, whilst giving others the freedom to choose what feels right for them. i.e. “It would help me if you could …”
A boundary: A boundary is focused on what you will do to keep yourself protected and connected with others. To honor your boundaries, you aren’t relying on anyone else to act a certain way or respect your limits. It is something you and you alone are in charge of. When you set a boundary for yourself, you’re being clear about what is okay for you, what is not okay for you, and letting yourself and others know what you will do in response to those things that are not okay. i.e. “It is okay for you to disagree with me. It is not okay for you to yell at me about it. When that happens, I’m going to leave the room for 15 minutes and then come back so we can try again because I do want to hear what is important to you.”
“Making requests and setting boundaries can help you to feel more protected and trust yourself,” explained Juliane. “This supports more integrated brain functioning which helps you to better connect, bond, and care for yourself and others. This is why doing your boundary work is an act of kindness and love.”
For more of Juliane’s wonderful work, be sure to listen to her podcast Why Does My Partner and grab a copy of Setting Boundaries That Stick: How Neurobiology Can Help You Rewire Your Brain to Feel Safe, Connected, and Empowered.
Please note: We are mindful that ‘girl’ and ‘woman’ are socially constructed ideas of gender that can fall painfully short of defining the fabulous complexity of who we each are. If these words resonate with part of how you have previously or currently identified yourself, we’d love to hear about your lived experiences.
Do you need to set better boundaries?