What does it mean to be a ‘good girl’? Over the past few weeks, we’ve been conducting research with more than 100 women worldwide. You’ve told us that a ‘good girl’ believes love is earned by:
Performing perfectly: Fearing criticism, we strive to politely and effortlessly achieve physical, emotional, and social perfection.
Pleasing everyone: Fearing rejection, we conform to society’s expectations and sacrifice our wellbeing to care for others.
Protecting others: Fearing abandonment, we silence our true feelings and try to save others from life’s challenges and heartaches.
In the short term, these behaviors often win us the appreciation, recognition, and love of others. But in the long-term many women reported this childhood grooming led to exhaustion, loss of self-identity, and resentment. In extreme cases, it contributed to burnout, eating disorders, sexual abuse, domestic violence, poverty, addiction, self-harm, and suicide.
We think of it as ‘junk food love’. Initially, it can taste great and leave us buzzing, but this good feeling often quickly wears off. Over time, if it becomes our primary source of sustenance, we can wind up experiencing all sorts of health problems.
But it doesn’t have to be this way.
You’ve also told us when you are ‘uniquely you’ there is a belief that love is given to yourself and others by:
Showing self-compassion: Accepting our imperfections, we confidently learn and grow without shame.
Securely attaching: Accepting our need for safety, we unapologetically prioritize self-care and set healthy boundaries.
Strengthening self-leadership: Accepting our longing for authenticity, we courageously speak up and remain true to ourselves.
In the short term, if these behaviors result in us not doing what others expect or want, we can be met with rejection, exclusion, and abandonment. But in the long term, many women reported that honoring their own needs, resulted in higher levels of freedom, wellbeing, and love (both of themselves and from others).
We think of it as ‘nutritious love’. It can take time to develop a taste for it, but once your body gets used to how it nourishes you, you’ll want more and more of it.
How do we build the skills to free ourselves from our ‘good girl’ beliefs to embody our unique selves? In this workshop recording, we share the practical, evidence-based skills you can play with.
You can download the posters from the workshop by clicking the image below.
Like all good research on human behavior, these insights and tools are still a work in progress. Our invitation is to use what we are learning to accelerate your knowledge, inspire your practices, pull these ideas apart to find what works, and be part of an ongoing conversation that continues to share our discoveries with each other.
We’d love to hear about your favorite ‘uniquely you’ practices and tools.
P.S. We are mindful that ‘girl’ and ‘woman’ are socially constructed ideas of gender that can fall painfully short of defining the fabulous complexity of who we each are. If these words resonate with part of how you have previously or currently identified yourself, we’d love to hear about your lived experiences.
P.S.S. Other than a starting place to understand the impact of societal expectations, little of this research is gender specific. Many of the practices and tools we share can help any of us be more ‘uniquely you’. Together, we believe that our collective consciousness, compassion, and care may just be enough to change the world faster than anyone imagined.
Becoming uniquely you