When you’re struggling, how do you show up for yourself? Do you stoically push through whatever challenge you’re facing? Do you distract yourself by running around and helping others? Or do you make the space to sit down and listen to what your body and brain need you to know?
“It takes courage to acknowledge when we are struggling,” explained Dr. Daniel Siegel founding co-director of the Mindful Awareness Research Center at UCLA and the executive director of the Mindsight Institute when we interviewed him recently. “When we become conscious of our struggles, however, we have the opportunity for choice and change, and that’s really powerful.”
Dan suggests that we can more confidently sit with our struggles by using the Four S model of secure attachment. This can help us to feel:
Safe: Reassure yourself that feelings of struggle are not a sign that you’re broken but are a normal and often healthy part of learning and growth. Everyone struggles at times. Reach for self-compassion and try to be the wise and kind friend you need in this moment rather than judging yourself for having this experience.
Seen: Be honest about where you’re struggling. Acknowledge the discomfort, confusion, and fear you may be experiencing. Don’t rush to fix these feelings. Just sit and observe what is happening within you and around you. Take the time to look and learn.
Soothed: Calm your body and brain. Find the floor or a safe space to place your hands on your heart or belly and breathe deeply and slowly for as long as you need.
Secure: When feeling more secure, ask, “What do I need now? How do I want to go forward?” Accept that you may need to sit for a while longer, ask someone for help, or tackle the struggle head-on. Whatever the response, remind yourself that if the struggle becomes too great, you can return to this space of being safe, seen, and soothed.
“When we feel securely attached, we’re more flexible, fluid, and achieve higher states of functioning,” explained Dan.
We took away so many aha insights and practical tools from our recent podcast with Dan that we’ve recorded an after-party podcast to dive deeper into how you can feel more securely attached. Just hit play above to join us.
Please note: We are mindful that ‘girl’ and ‘woman’ are socially constructed ideas of gender that can fall painfully short of defining the fabulous complexity of who we each are. If these words resonate with part of how you have previously or currently identified yourself, we’d love to hear about your lived experiences.
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