Does your perfectionist part tend to micro-manage others at work? Or does your people-pleasing part rush to control your family dynamics? While these protective parts of you have good intentions, they're often stuck in outdated strategies that no longer serve you or others well. But how can you ask them to stand down?
"When we learn to speak to our parts with curiosity and compassion, we create the safety they need to reveal their deeper wisdom," explains psychologist Dr. Tori Olds, co-founder of Deep Eddy Psychotherapy, when we interviewed her recently. "Often, these parts just need to know that we're finally ready to listen."
Before starting any conversation with our parts, remember: there are no "bad" parts – even our most challenging protectors were once essential for our survival. Every conversation needs to begin with Self-energy – that calm, curious, compassionate presence within us. Just as we wouldn't try to help an anxious child while feeling frustrated ourselves, take a moment to ground yourself and connect with your innate wisdom and kindness.
Once you feel grounded, Jenna Riemersma recommends a quick start Internal Family Systems tool she designed called “Move Toward” to help your parts unblend and come into a relationship with Self. Try these three steps:
NOTICE (unblend from the part): Begin by simply noticing (with compassion or curiosity) whatever you’re experiencing, without trying to change it or figure it out in any way. Ask yourself": "What am I noticing right now in my body, mind, or emotions?" You may find it helpful to place your hands gently on the part of your body where you notice these sensations arising or to visualize the part.
Ask yourself: "How do I feel toward this part - curious and compassionate, or judgmental and frustrated?" If you feel critical or frustrated, pause - this likely means another protective part has joined the conversation. You might say to it: "I hear your concern. Would you be willing to pause for a moment while I listen to this first part? I promise to check back in with you soon."
KNOW (witness and appreciate the part): Keep one hand where you feel the part and place your other hand on your heart. This physical connection helps your part feel your caring presence. Then, with genuine curiosity, open the conversation: "What would you like me to know about you?"
As your part responds, let your natural curiosity guide deeper understanding. You might ask: "When did you first learn to protect me this way?" or "What worries you might happen if you weren't protecting me?" Often, these parts don't realize how much time has passed, so gently asking "How old do you think I am?" can help them understand. Acknowledging their dedication with "How long have you been carrying this load alone?" shows you recognize their efforts.
Listen without judgment, just as you would to a friend sharing their story for the first time. Your part might have been waiting years to be heard.
NEED (learning and growing together): Give yourself a gentle self-hug or use another soothing gesture that helps you embody your Self-energy. From this place of comfort, ask your part with tender curiosity: "What support do you need from me right now to feel safer?"
Let the conversation unfold naturally. Your part might need to know it's not alone anymore: "How can I help you feel my presence in this?" or "What would help you trust that we're in this together?" Sometimes parts need specific reassurance: "How could we share this load you've been carrying?"
Remember to follow through on any promises you make. Just as trust builds slowly in any relationship, your part needs to know it can count on you to show up consistently. Small steps of reliability matter more than grand gestures.
"Remember that your Self-energy has no agenda or timetable," Tori emphasizes. "Just like building trust with a worried child, your parts need a consistent, patient presence to feel safe enough to share their stories."
Try to start with less activated parts and keep your conversations simple and brief while you’re strengthening your Self-energy. Honor any resistance, celebrate small wins, and return to your body's wisdom when you feel overwhelmed. Remember all parts - even the challenging ones - have good intentions, and building trust takes patient dedication.
We took away so many aha insights and practical tools from our recent podcast with Tori that we've recorded an after-party podcast to dive deeper into how you can have healing conversations with your parts. Just hit play above to join us.
If you need more support from an Internal Family Systems trained practitioner you can find them by clicking here.
For more of Tori's insights, be sure to listen to episode 19 and episode 21 and check out her YouTube channel. You can also complete our free Good Girl Mindset survey to see how you're doing when it comes to self-leadership.
Please note: We are mindful that ‘girl’ and ‘woman’ are socially constructed ideas of gender that can fall painfully short of defining the fabulous complexity of who we each are. If these words resonate with part of how you have previously or currently identified yourself, we’d love to hear about your lived experiences.
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