🌟 The 'Good Girl' Challenge
JOIN US: 3 simple steps to help each other shake off the 'good girl' beliefs keeping us stuck
Are you struggling to shake off your ‘good girl’ beliefs?
Do you feel pressured to perform perfectly, please everyone, and protect others?
Is this leaving you exhausted, resentful, and a little lost?
Now more than ever, we need to shake off the ‘good girl’ beliefs that aren’t serving us well together.
How to shake it off
We’re inviting women from across Substack to:
STEP 1: Spot the ‘good girl’ expectations that are keeping you stuck.
STEP 2: Shake the ‘good girl’ expectation off physically, emotionally, socially, behaviorally, or in any other way that is meaningful to you to embody life more on your terms and for your benefit (see below).
STEP 3: Share a Substack comment below or write your own substack note (tag Michelle McQuaid so we can like, share, and comment for you) with:
The ‘good girl’ expectation you spotted.
Why and how you’re shaking it off
Tip: Keep it short. Please focus on your freedom to make choices that feel right for you, rather than blaming or shaming others.
You can share one or as many comments or notes as you wish. Whatever feels meaningful and helpful to you and others. Let’s make some noise together to help each other see how these ‘good girl’ expectations are designed to tame us.
Please note, we are committed advocates of respectful conversations. The notes shared will be moderated with this collective goal in mind.
Let’s get started!
What are ‘good girl’ expectations?
When we talk to women around the world, many of them share childhood stories of a well-meaning parent or teacher who encouraged them to be ‘good girl’ – not too loud, too messy, too demanding, too much - if they wanted to be happy and loved.
Taking this advice to heart, many of us have grown up abandoning, exhausting, and twisting ourselves into emotional, physical, social, spiritual, and financial knots as we try to:
Perform perfectly: Fearing criticism, we strive to politely and effortlessly achieve physical, emotional, and social perfection.
Please everyone: Fearing rejection, we conform to society’s expectations and sacrifice our wellbeing to care for others.
Protect others: Fearing abandonment, we silence our true feelings and try to save others from life’s challenges and heartaches.
In the short term, these behaviors often win us the appreciation, recognition, and love of others. But in the long-term many women reported this childhood grooming led to exhaustion, loss of self-identity, and resentment. In extreme cases, it contributed to burnout, eating disorders, sexual abuse, domestic violence, poverty, addiction, self-harm, and suicide.
We think of it as ‘junk food love’. It can taste great and leave us buzzing, but the good feelings quickly wear off. And, if it becomes our main source of sustenance, we eventually experience all sorts of health problems.
But it doesn’t have to be this way.
How can shaking off these ‘good girl’ beliefs help us?
As activist Sonya Renee Taylor notes, when we’re surrounded by messages that tell us how we should think, feel, and act, it can be hard to trust what our body knows to be the truth. Before we understand what is happening, we often buy into lies that benefit the people spreading these messages, but usually come at our cost. Freedom is found in our curiosity and compassion to spot (step 1) these lies for what they are , to choose to shake them off (step 2), and to share with each other (step 3) the lie rather than continue propagating it.
You can shake off the world’s ‘good girl’ expectations in many ways—physically, emotionally, socially, and behaviorally. For example, studies have found that shaking our bodies activates our parasympathetic nervous system and signals to our brain that it is okay to relax, release the toxins these ideas create in our bodies, and let them go.
Of course, we all understand that shaking off centuries of ‘good girl’ conditioning will also require systemic changes—equal pay, accessible childcare, reproductive rights, and stronger protections against sexual assault and domestic violence. These shifts are crucial for creating a safer, more equitable world for everyone.
To sustain our energy in pushing for these changes, we must also focus on whatever freedom is immediately within our reach. Spotting the ‘good girl’ beliefs that don’t serve us well, choosing to shake them off, and sharing them with each other is something every single one of us can do. As Glennon Doyle wisely said: “There’s no such thing as one-way liberation.”
What’s the ‘good girl’ alternative?
Our research is finding we can shift our ‘good girl’ beliefs when they don’t serve us well to embody our unique selves when we have the knowledge, tools, and support to:
Show self-compassion: Accepting our imperfections, we confidently learn and grow without any shame.
Securely attach: Accepting our need for safety, we unapologetically prioritize our self-care and set healthy boundaries.
Strengthen self-leadership: Accepting our longing for authenticity, we courageously speak up and remain true to ourselves.
In the short term, if these behaviors result in us not doing what others expect or want, we can be met with rejection, exclusion, and abandonment. But in the long term, many women reported that honoring their own needs, resulted in higher levels of freedom, wellbeing, and love (both of themselves and from others).
We think of it as ‘nutritious love’. It can take time to develop a taste for it, but once your body gets used to how it nourishes you, you’ll want more and more.
Like all good research on human behavior, these insights and tools are still a work in progress. Our invitation is to use what we are learning to accelerate your knowledge, inspire your practices, pull these ideas apart to find what works, and be part of an ongoing conversation that continues to share our discoveries with each other.
Together, we believe that our collective consciousness, compassion, and care may just be enough to change the world faster than anyone imagined.
Please note: We are mindful that ‘girl’ and ‘woman’ are socially constructed ideas of gender that can fall painfully short of defining the fabulous complexity of who we each are. If these are words that resonate with part of how you have previously or currently identify yourself then we would love to hear about your lived experiences.
Please also note: We are mindful that while many women are groomed to be ‘good girls’, many men are encouraged to be ‘strong boys’. We are working with our colleagues who will lead a male version of this research and conversation in the future and we look forward to equally supporting their important efforts.
https://substack.com/@youtopiaevie/note/c-69756184/
I love this challenge idea. I grew up always deflecting or downplaying compliments.
If someone complimented my appearance, I’d say, “Oh no, you’re much prettier.”
If someone praised my work ethic, I’d say, “I could have done better.”
If someone admired my creativity, I’d say, “It’s nothing special really.”
I became so accustomed to shrinking myself.
Now, I am learning to pause, take a breath, and simply say, “thank you”.
https://substack.com/@chellemcquaid/note/c-69633851
@tinabrucesoul shared:
I’m ready to shake off the guilt stuck in my gut.
I’m ready to shake off being told ‘anger doesn’t suit me’.
I’m ready to shake the spiritful avocado tree!!