Why do we over function?

GRAB THE TOOLBOX: Strengthening Self-Leadership

“You’re very busy,” my mother observed with concern as I juggled the never-ending demands of a young family and a growing business.

“It can be hard to keep up with you,” my team noted as I researched, designed, and delivered wellbeing training programs all over the world.

“You have so much on; we don’t want to bother you,” my friends explained when it had been weeks since we’d last caught up.

I heard their warnings.

But I couldn’t stop.

A part of me desperately needed to “Go! Go! Go!” all the time.

“Where do you notice the need to be busy in your body?” asked my internal family systems (IFS) coach.

My hands immediately placed themselves across my chest. Sprinting through life meant I could gulp in short breaths of air to stop the tight band of fear around my chest from suffocating me.

“Can you see an image of what this part looks like?” my coach asked.

The image of a busy little girl dressed in a business suit and wielding a clipboard on which she is determinedly ticking things off popped into my head. She looked like someone who knew how to keep things under control and get shit done.

“How do you feel towards this busy part?” my coach prompted.

I was shocked. I hadn’t been aware that there was a part of me striving so hard to manage my fear.

And, I was curious. Who was this busy little girl? Was she okay? Why was she scared to slow down?

“Can you ask her if there is anything she would like you to know?” nudged my coach.

At first, the busy little girl silently shook her head from side to side as she kept ticking things off her clipboard. No.

“Can you ask her if she would be willing to let you slow down?” suggested my coach.

Again, she silently shook her head from side to side as she kept ticking things off her clipboard. No.

“Can you ask her what she’s worried would happen if you slowed down?” prompted my coach.

“You wouldn’t be in control anymore” the busy little girl calmly said. “All the stuff you’re scared of would come rushing out and you couldn’t cope.”

“What type of stuff?” I gently asked her.

“The stuff that hurts,” explained the busy little girl. “Like knowing you’re not really good enough. I keep you busy and in control so you don’t have to face that stuff.”

Oh.

“She’s right,” I told my coach. “Growing up I lived in constant dread of discovering I wasn’t good enough. I can see how staying busy and being in control helps to numb that fear. But this is not a sustainable strategy; it’s causing as many problems as it solves.”

“Let the little girl know she’s right and that you appreciate all her help,” said my coach. ”Then ask her if she’d be open to an easier way of dealing with this stuff that hurts.”

The little girl looked up from her clipboard as her shoulders softened. She cautiously nodded her head up and down. Yes.

“Ask the busy little girl how old she thinks you are,” prompted my coach.

She thinks I’m ten years old. Just like her.

“Let her know that you’re a grown woman now,” suggested my coach. “Reassure her that even though it can still hurt when you discover you’re not good enough at something yet, you’ve learned this is a normal and often healthy part of how everyone learns and grows.”

The busy little girl’s clipboard dropped with a clatter to the ground.

“Can you ask the little girl what she needs from you right now to know that it’s okay for her to rest?” asked my coach.

“Show me how you learn and grow,” said the busy little girl. “Show me how slowing down helps.”

Over the following weeks and months the busy little girl and I made learning to slow down together our priority. As she realized I didn’t need to be busy and in control to avoid the fear of not being enough anymore, and that the extra space in my life was much better for my relationships, she learned to trust me to guide us.

These days she’s less of a busy little girl and more of a young woman who values making the space to learn, live and love - even when its challenging.

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