What physical boundaries do you need?
GRAB THE PLAYSHEET: Using your boundaries PPE to feel safe.
“Are you all right, love?” a family friend asked as he placed a heavy hand on my shoulder. I shrugged him off and cringed inside.
He was a friend of my parents with whom I had to interact regularly. Every time we had a conversation, he would place his hand on my shoulder when speaking to me.
At first, it seemed innocent enough, just a friendly casual gesture. But I noticed how uneasy my body felt inside each time his hand touched my shoulder.
Nothing more ever transpired than his big hand landing on my shoulder. However, it breached a physical boundary my body needed me to honor.
Why didn’t I just tell him to keep his big hands to himself? Because I had been taught that ‘good girls’ don’t overreact and make things awkward for everyone else.
Why didn’t I just tell him to keep his hands to himself? Because I had been taught that ‘good girls’ don’t overreact and make things awkward for everyone else.
After all, where was the harm? It was just a “friendly” hand placed on my young shoulder. There was nothing to be so “sensitive” or “dramatic” about. So, I stayed silent, tolerating my discomfort to avoid potential confrontation.
Instead, I tried my best to avoid him. When I heard him arrive at our house, I’d hide myself away. When my parents demanded I say hello, I’d try to duck out of his way. But somehow, his big, heavy hand always found its way onto my shoulder again.
I stayed silent, tolerating my discomfort to avoid potential confrontation.
It took me years to learn how to set the physical boundaries I needed to feel safe with others. Eventually, I discovered three steps that gave me the clarity and courage to:
Pause: When I’m in a safe space, I take a few slow, deep breaths and reassure my body that I’m here to listen to what it needs.
Protect: I ask my body what kind of physical boundary it needs me to put in place. For example, it may be a boundary around touching my shoulders or other parts of my body when we’re having a conversation.
Express: I clearly communicate to anyone who makes me feel uncomfortable: “My brain is happiest when people don’t touch my shoulders or my body when we’re chatting. I know everyone’s a little different. Thanks for understanding.”
Want to know how you can set the physical boundaries you need? Grab our beautifully designed playsheet below for your step-by-step instructions and journal prompts.
We’d love to know how you go setting physical boundaries or any other tools that help you safely ‘Release It’ when it comes to securely attaching with yourself and others. Please share them in the comments.
Please note: We are mindful that ‘girl’ and ‘woman’ are socially constructed ideas of gender that can fall painfully short of defining the fabulous complexity of who we each are. If these words resonate with part of how you have previously or currently identified yourself, we’d love to hear about your lived experiences.